‘Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, it became a butterfly’.
I don’t know who wrote this or when, but when I recently had a pretty traumatic episode of Psychosis, I wrote this down in my notebook.
A lot of what I wrote doesn’t really make much sense. In a later post, when it’s not so fresh or so raw, I may share some of my experiences with you. At the moment, I’m still working out what happened and why.
I’m currently doing some ‘homework’ before I meet with my care coordinator in the early intervention team tomorrow. I grabbed one of my many notebooks and saw I’d written this when I was obviously in quite a bad place.
It’s funny what sticks with your brain when it’s racing at 100 miles per hour isn’t it? I definitely thought my world had ended, or at least the world I’d known for a long time.
This last few months has been a brand new series of mind boggling events that has really stumped me. I’ve always taken a lot of pride in really feeling like I was in control of my triggers, my symptoms and understanding what was happening in my brain. This time round, it’s a brand new set of puzzles for me to unlock. Level 2.0 you might think of it as.
When all the dust has settled and things finally become clearer, I really hope I feel like the butterfly and it all makes sense again. And if it doesn’t, I’ll definitely have grown in some way. Hopefully, I’ll never stop growing in a sense.
I think the moment you think you’re there – level completed, tick boxed, done – you’ve lost your way forward.
Life isn’t a linear narrative. It’s not the beginning, middle and end that movies, books or stories have you believe. Your narrative is complicated, and so it should be. You are a far more complex, confusing and brilliant human being than you give yourself credit for.
Just remember, when you think your world might be ending, perhaps there’s something different around the corner. Not always better, but different. Differences is what we should live for – it’s what makes life interesting.
Trust me, love from your not so boring caterpillar friend.
Positive of the day: My sleep is really settling again at long last after a few odd days of restlessness.